I sat through 90 minutes of mind-numbingly repetitive GOP talking points and an irritating scrolling stock ticker. That’s the type of sacrifice I make for the people I love. Enjoy!

Michele Bachmann
1. Everyone can sacrifice a couple Happy Meals for the good of the country. Even the ones who have budgeted down to the penny and can’t afford a couple Happy Meals.
2. Dodd Frank. I will not rest until they die. The act, I mean.
3. Payroll tax cuts should expire. The working and middle class don’t need a break. But the top 1% do.

Herman Cain
1. I just called the House Minority Leader, “Princess Pelosi.” Someone please check my brake lines.
2. Every time I say 9-9-9, the scandal dies a little.
3. The problem with Dodd Frank? Dodd and Frank. Man, I’m good. Listen to that applause.

Newt Gingrich
1. Ya damn skippy I took money from Freddie Mac! It’s called consulting. Have you seen Callista’s Tiffany bill?
2. I still hate the media. You suck because you don’t tell people how the economy works. Even though it’s not your job.
3. 30 seconds to answer your stupid ass question? Don’t get snippy with me, young lady, or I’ll beat you with an iron lung.

Jon Huntsman
1. I’m lonely over here. Ask me something.
2. Our relationship with China is complicated. I don’t want a trade war like trigger happy Romney over there.
3. I realize fixing the economy is not as simple as everyone says it is. I’m the one who is making sense, but no one pays attention to me. I need a sex scandal.

Ron Paul
1. The government sucks! The free market rules! Ya get it now? If you haven’t, you probably had an education post- Department of Education.
2. We can fix health care by instituting medical savings accounts. Pre-tax income deduction. Don’t have an income? That’s the breaks, kid.
3. Department of Education? Gone. Federal student loans? Gone. Higher education might be more inaccessible to the poor. That’s the breaks, kid.

Rick Perry
1. Oil and a flag that says “Open for Business Again.” That’s my economic solution. And that flat tax thingy.
2. I want to slash and burn the Department of Education, Commerce, and um, um…crap. I don’t remember. Ron help me out here. The EPA? No that’s not it. Maybe keeping the Department of Education would be a good idea.
3. The Department of Energy! That’s it! How the hell could I have forgotten that considering my whole economic plan is based on oil? Ugh, nice going Goodhair.

Mitt Romney
1. Let every home foreclose. Thus saieth Joseph Smith.
2. Obama sucks. He cares more about his re-election than working on the economy. What jobs bill?
3. I hate everything Chinese. Even those tasty egg rolls. Bunch of currency-manipulating, intellectual property-stealing cheats.

Rick Santorum
1. Why didn’t you ask me about the housing crisis? Hello. I’m still in the race.
2. Let me say, again, that I didn’t support TARP. But a certain three on this panel did. Romney, Cain, Perry *cough* Losers *cough*
3. Partisan politics? Democrats love me. Ask one of them. Not that one.