Tag Archives: Jon Huntsman

Jon Huntsman: And Then There Were Five

Huntsman to Quit Republican Presidential Race

It was a valiant effort, I guess. He was way too moderate and timid to have a chance in the eyes of this new GOP.

A poll last week showed Huntsman at only 4 percent in South Carolina, behind even satirical talk-show host Stephen Colbert.

Ouch. That had to hurt. I don’t know about him, but I think that would be my cue to exit.

I’m glad he is exiting the race graciously and supporting the one who will get the nomination. That is very classy.

As a far the five remaining, there’s a lot at stake here:

The winner of South Carolina’s primary has gone on to capture the Republican nomination in every election since 1980.

I had no idea. This will be brutal then. DC of Pass the Doucheys is from South Carolina. I’m a tad jealous. It’s like having a front row seat at a prize fight. You get all the action up close. And you might get some blood on you. Kinda gross, but you can really say that you were there.

Let the mud-slinging really begin.


Mitt Romney: The Most Beautiful GOP Nominee in the World

Sometimes I wish I could live in a GOP Primary state during election season. I’d love to see all the action firsthand. The mud-slinging ads, the townhalls, all of it. I think it would be very exciting.

Anyway, back to Romney. So he won New Hampshire. Quelle surprise, right? Come on. I didn’t need a Magic-8 Ball to predict this one.

I’m not really surprised that Ron Paul got 2nd. After all, it is New Hampshire, Libertarian capital of the United States. The sad thing is that Jon Huntsman skipped Iowa to seriously work New Hampshire. And he got 3rd place. He should give it up. He is the one that doesn’t give a lot of Liberals like me the full body heebie jeebies. And that is the reason why he’ll never get the nomination.

That leaves Rick Santorum and Rick Perry. Santorum. He’s riding that Iowa caucus “high,” and the next primary is all about religious Conservatives. He may pick up a few votes in South Carolina – maybe come out ahead. He is not going to get the nomination, though. He has a long list of quotes (some nearly unbelievable) that show his very extreme views. He’s very trigger happy when it comes to Iran. And what we’ve seen what a cowboy President can do. Plus, he’s still trying to downplay that gaffe of blah people on welfare.

Perry? Good hair can only get you so far. All the self-deprecating humor in the world will not erase the fact that he forgot the third of three government departments he wanted to dismantle. And it was the Department of Energy – tied to his answer to the nation’s problems. O-I-L. I think that stuck in people’s minds. Plus, suggesting troops be sent back to Iraq? Final nail in the coffin. Like Santorum, he will probably pick up a few votes in South Carolina, but that’s about as far as he’ll go.

We should just skip all the pleasantries and crown Romney. He has the most money behind him and the “electability” thing. And, sorry Rick, but he has really good hair too. Hand him the bouquet and let him wear the “GOP Nominee” sash. Almost time to walk down that plank…I mean, ramp.


GOP Debate: It’s What’s for Breakfast in Concord

After an evening of debating? I guess Meet the Press didn’t think we could live without another debate after 12 hours. It was a bit spicier, and Romney took some hits early on. I think they’re exhausted and cranky. Huntsman sounds like he’s coming down with something. Anyway, for those who didn’t bother, enjoy. :-)

Newt Gingrich
1. “I know the red light doesn’t mean anything to you because you’re the front runner.” Thanks for laughing even though I’m serious. Seriously tired and bitter.
2. Environmental Solutions Agency. No, it is not like the EPA because they suck. Mine won’t be all about punishment. Gotta make business want to stop polluting.
3. Do you know what the Washington Post’s “Four Pinocchios” means? That Romney is a liar.

Jon Huntsman
1. Mittens pissed me off. You dogged on my service as ambassador. I will now use my stern tone.
2. There are no sacred cows. Medicare and Social Security? Be afraid Seniors. Be very afraid.
3. The American people are looking for a unifier. Crap. I should not have used anything Obama has used.

Ron Paul
1. Entitlements aren’t rights. We want to help the poor, but the real people who are getting the entitlements are banks and the military industrial complex.
2. As President, it’s going to be tough to change our foreign policy of 100 years. But if we don’t, it will be the death of America. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
3. I will continue to preach the gospel of Liberty. Libertarians are here. And we’re here to stay, baby!

Rick Perry
1. I’m going to mention the Tea Party as many times as I can. I have to get them to love me as much as Social Conservatives do.
2. The ones who will feel pain are the bureaucrats of the Departments of Commerce, Energy, and Education that we’ll do away with. Yay! I remembered all three this time.
3. Obama is a Socialist. Yeah, I said it. What are you going to do about it?

Mitt Romney
1. Natural gas! Yes, it’s alternative energy, but even a Conservative can support this one. Well, maybe not Perry.
2. In MA, I appointed gay judges and a member of my cabinet was gay. But ix-nay on the gay marriage-ay.
3. Dude! I can’t direct PAC ads. You know that. You’re just jealous that I’m getting their support.

Rick Santorum
1. If my son told me he was gay, I’d love him just as much as I did before he said that. Then, he’d be on the first plane to Marcus Bachmann’s reparative clinic.
2. Ron Paul is a loser who’s done nothing of importance and has no friends in Washington. I’ll need extra security on my way out today.
3. We can’t live with a nuclear Iran because they’re Mus-…uh, a theocracy


GOP Debate: Saturday Night Fun in Manchester

After a shamefully long absence, last night provided the perfect opportunity to resurface: The ABC News/Yahoo! GOP debate in New Hampshire. Here are the highlights:

Newt Gingrich
1. Anti-Christian bigotry! It’s bigger than two chicks wanting to get hitched.
2. “Obama’s desperate attempt to create a radical European social model is sincere.” Dang the audience loves me. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
3. If I weren’t here, I’d be watching the college basketball championships. Oh oops. Football. You caught me. I’d really be holding Callista’s purse at Tiffany’s.

Jon Huntsman
1. A gay couple’s relationship doesn’t affect my marriage one bit. Stay with me, social conservatives. No to gay marriage, yes to civil unions.
2. Simpson Bowles! Eliminate the loopholes. But not all of them. I got your back, big business.
3. I just called Romney a douchebag in Mandarin.

Ron Paul
1. Nice comment on the bell, junior. Still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a big government spender and lobbyist lover.
2. Ugh those newsletters again! I didn’t write that racist crap. Since we’re on the subject, black people get the shaft in the justice system. Maybe that will get me a few of their votes.
2. Ping pong is the cornerstone of my foreign policy. Rescuing Iranians from pirates and stopping sanctions will bring world peace.

Rick Perry
1. You just witnessed a brawl between Ron and Rick. They’re what’s wrong with government. And neither have good hair.
2. My vision is O-I-L, but you knew that.
3. Back to Iraq, soldiers. It would be your 7th tour? Suck it up, son.

Mitt Romney
1. CEOs aren’t managers. If you weren’t a career politician, you’d know that managers are under me. I mean CEOs.
2. Quit badgering me on the contraception thing, Stephanopoulos. I’m this close to saying that I’m sad it didn’t work for your parents.
2. China sucks. They lie, cheat, and steal, but make really good dumplings.

Rick Santorum
1. Don’t ever question my Conservatism, old man. I can arrange a permanent tour of a coal mine.
2. I hate Iran so much. I want to choke Ahmadinejad with my own hands.
3. There is no such thing as the middle class. And the sky is green, I swear.


GOP Debate: The Finale on FOX

The end of last week was crazy, so I wasn’t able to watch the debate. Once in a blue moon, I have a life.

Anyway, I finally caught it on YouTube, cracked open a bottle of Fat Tire Amber Ale. Perfect, because this is the last one! Looking back, I’ve loved Jon Huntsman’s performances. That isn’t surprising. What was surprising was finding myself agreeing with Ron Paul. A lot. That has definitely thrown me for a loop.

I raise my bottle to the GOP. Thanks for the seemingly bottomless well of material for these recaps. ¡Salud!

Michele Bachmann
1. “No new taxes.” I used the broken promise of a one-term president to sell myself. Oops.
2. Ron Paul is underestimating Iran again. We need to kick their asses. With no money and troops who will probably end up on their 10th tour of duty.
3. The issue of abortion is crucial to our party. If you vote for this “partial birth” abortion-promoting former Speaker of the House, Jesus will stop loving you.

Newt Gingrich
1. I believe I’m so electable I dare compare myself to St. Reagan.
2. I hate activist judges. I actually hate that entire branch of government. Let’s get rid of it.
3. Why is Michele talking about my abortion record? Why is she even here? I’m the one in the middle people. The one in the lead.

Jon Huntsman
1. I’m not going to pander, sign any “silly” pledges, or attend a Donald Trump debate.
2. Natural gas people. Time to drop our “heroin” like addiction to oil. I’m going to back off because I’m starting to sound a little too Liberal.
3. Of course we have to protect the border. But legal immigration is an engine of growth. See? “Te quiero, Latinos.” Oh yeah and “Wo ai ni, China.”

Ron Paul
1. Welfare people vs. warfare people. Get one side’s support to crush the other, and voilà! Progress.
2. I am a non-interventionist, leaning isolationist. You can give me all the hypothetical situations in the universe. And I don’t care if it is Iran. We don’t need another war!
3. Newt and Michele want to hack away at the third branch of government? Um, balance of power? And I’m the crazy one?

Rick Perry
1. The taxpayers bailing out a loan guarantee program when I was Texas Agriculture Commissioner? I don’t want to talk about it, so I’ll push my part time Congress idea. The audience loves that. Rick Perry Rules!
2. I’ve already planned my no-fly zone over Syria They’re killing their own people are in cahoots with Iran. Don’t mess with Texas or Israel.
3. Thanks for letting me play at a “high enough level” with you guys. You all are so smart. Self-deprecating humor + good hair = Charming the pants off of people.

Mitt Romney
1. There are Democrats who love America. Swear to God they exist.
2. We need a strong military. Add Navy ships, modernize the air force, and 100K more troops. Even though I’m all about cutting spending.
3. Life experience causes some of my positions to change. I do enjoy flip-flops during the campaign, I mean summer, season.

Rick Santorum
1. 99 counties, 350 Townhall meetings. I want your votes so bad, I’ll stalk your entire state.
2. I am more trigger happy than Bush ever was. Iran has been in my cross-hairs for forever. On day one, I will fire.
3. Hell yeah I broke Reagan’s 11th Commandment (Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican). Suck it up, babies. There’s no crying in vetting!


The ABC GOP Debate: “Newt Romney”

I actually enjoyed this one, even though Huntsman wasn’t there. In their closing statements, each had to say something cool about one of the other candidates. Even though some of their answers were a bit odd – like Newt saying he loves how Santorum has consistently hated Iran – it was a good way to end the evening. Nice one, Diane and George! For those who didn’t watch, here are the highlights. Enjoy! :-)

Michele Bachmann
1. Adiós 9-9-9! Meet Michele’s Win-Win-Win Plan.
2. Newt Romney. Newt Romney. Newt Romney. I was told if I said that it three times, they’d go away. Dangit. Didn’t work.
3. Mom was a single parent. I had to work to help the family. I still clip coupons and shop at thrift stores. I didn’t have Rick Santorum’s two-parent household luxury.

Newt Gingrich
1. Mittens, you would have been a 17 year politician if you didn’t lose to Teddy Kennedy. You had no other choice but to be in the private sector.
2. Let’s fire all union school janitors and replace them with kids. Teach them how to work! Lazy, Nickelodeon-watching mooches.
3. I didn’t speak for Israel. I spoke as a historian, someone who has known “Bibi” for years, and someone who speaks the truth. Just like St. Reagan.

Ron Paul
1. Extend the payroll tax cut, but pay for it. Easy peasy. End the wars.
2. If we every elected leader took their oath of office seriously, there would be no government. Or something really cool like that.
3. Let’s not let give the government the power to save us from ourselves. We should be free to be as fat and unhealthy as we want to be.

Rick Perry
1. You need an outsider to help create jobs. That’s me! The guy who’s been in politics for 27 years.
2. I can tell Obama that Obamacare is an Abomination. Ooooh that sounded great! Throwing in that I read studies like the Beacon Hill Institute’s makes me look really, really smart too. I am so rocking this.
3. We should catch and release smallmouth bass, but not illegal immigrants.

Mitt Romney
1. Obama’s idea of being hands-on on the economy is his golf grip. Good one, speech writer!
2. Mining minerals from the moon? Eliminate child labor laws? America, that’s Gingrich. That’s who you Iowans think can beat Obama, people? Seriously?
3. I never had to struggle financially. Dad had bank, but he grew up poor. And I hung out with poor people in other countries as an LDS missionary. I think that means I can relate to them. Doesn’t it?

Rick Santorum
1. I’m all for tax cuts. Except for the working schmucks who could use it.
2. Michele is a fighting loser. I’m a fighting winner.
3. I’ve had all my basic needs met. But most importantly, I came from a two-parent household. Stay together to give your kids the luxury of a mom and a dad. Even if he beats you, or you cheat on him.


The CBS GOP Debate: Because Millions will Tune in on a Saturday Night

Um, yeah. Whose genius idea was this? Many of us were watching the Pacquiao-Marquez fight. CBS expected so many to tune in that many of their affiliates cut coverage of the last 30 minutes. I guess we know how important foreign policy is to the networks. If that isn’t disturbing enough, this is the second debate where I found myself agreeing with Ron Paul. Way more than is healthy. Anyway, enjoy! :-)

Michele Bachmann
1. Obama is not a friend to Israel. Bachmann and Israel are and will forever be BFFs. Manischewitz for everyone!
2. Waterboarding is the best. Maybe I could try doing it to someone.
3. Even though we’re talking about foreign policy, I’ll sneak in Obamacare. Then I can say how I will repeal it. Again.

Herman Cain
1. Having good people from my cabinet to generals will help me make critical decisions. Which means no Muslims.
2. Torture schmorture. Waterboarding is cool!
3. I love torture so much, Gitmo should stay open. Hey, maybe I can get live feed.

Newt Gingrich
1. Any one of these ideas on dealing with Iran is better than whatever the hell Obama is doing now.
2. I’m with Goodhair. Foreign aid starts at zero. If you want it, tell us how you will use it to help us.
2. If we don’t overhaul everything from rules of engagement to intelligence, we’re all going to die. And Pakistan will pull the trigger.

Jon Huntsman
1. Nation building. How about we concentrate on ours?
2. I am so lonely. Oh thanks for asking me something! Waterboarding is torture. Torture is wrong.
3. The Ryan Plan is the best! See? If you give me a chance, I can show you I can scare Liberals too.

Ron Paul
1. It’s not worth going to war with Iran. This is smelling a lot like Iraq.
2. Waterboarding is torture. And torture is ineffective and un-American.
3. Self-determination. Stay the hell out of their business and attend to ours.

Rick Perry
1. I don’t know why Pakistan is being two-faced, so I’ll just say what everyone loves. NO foreign aid! Even Israel. Well, almost everyone. Sorry Michele.
2. My advisors were right! Make fun of myself and my Department of Energy boo boo, and the audience will love me!
3. Everything Chinese will end up in an ash heap. Except shrimp fried rice because that would be a shame.

Mitt Romney
1. Why not go to war to keep Iran from having a nuclear weapon? I mean we’re in two already. What’s one more?
2. We’re allowing those Chinese run over us. I will stand up to them. What do you mean remember what happened in Tiannamen Square?
3. I will get rid of the National Endowment of Arts and NPR because you know they eat as much of the budget as defense.

Rick Santorum
1. We have to be friends with Pakistan because they have nuclear weapons.
2. We should stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons at any cost. Yes, even going to war. Not like we haven’t done it before.
3. I will make sure Gitmo will stay open forever. Torture works!


The CNBC GOP Debate: As Crazy as Jim Cramer

I sat through 90 minutes of mind-numbingly repetitive GOP talking points and an irritating scrolling stock ticker. That’s the type of sacrifice I make for the people I love. Enjoy! :-P

Michele Bachmann
1. Everyone can sacrifice a couple Happy Meals for the good of the country. Even the ones who have budgeted down to the penny and can’t afford a couple Happy Meals.
2. Dodd Frank. I will not rest until they die. The act, I mean.
3. Payroll tax cuts should expire. The working and middle class don’t need a break. But the top 1% do.

Herman Cain
1. I just called the House Minority Leader, “Princess Pelosi.” Someone please check my brake lines.
2. Every time I say 9-9-9, the scandal dies a little.
3. The problem with Dodd Frank? Dodd and Frank. Man, I’m good. Listen to that applause.

Newt Gingrich
1. Ya damn skippy I took money from Freddie Mac! It’s called consulting. Have you seen Callista’s Tiffany bill?
2. I still hate the media. You suck because you don’t tell people how the economy works. Even though it’s not your job.
3. 30 seconds to answer your stupid ass question? Don’t get snippy with me, young lady, or I’ll beat you with an iron lung.

Jon Huntsman
1. I’m lonely over here. Ask me something.
2. Our relationship with China is complicated. I don’t want a trade war like trigger happy Romney over there.
3. I realize fixing the economy is not as simple as everyone says it is. I’m the one who is making sense, but no one pays attention to me. I need a sex scandal.

Ron Paul
1. The government sucks! The free market rules! Ya get it now? If you haven’t, you probably had an education post- Department of Education.
2. We can fix health care by instituting medical savings accounts. Pre-tax income deduction. Don’t have an income? That’s the breaks, kid.
3. Department of Education? Gone. Federal student loans? Gone. Higher education might be more inaccessible to the poor. That’s the breaks, kid.

Rick Perry
1. Oil and a flag that says “Open for Business Again.” That’s my economic solution. And that flat tax thingy.
2. I want to slash and burn the Department of Education, Commerce, and um, um…crap. I don’t remember. Ron help me out here. The EPA? No that’s not it. Maybe keeping the Department of Education would be a good idea.
3. The Department of Energy! That’s it! How the hell could I have forgotten that considering my whole economic plan is based on oil? Ugh, nice going Goodhair.

Mitt Romney
1. Let every home foreclose. Thus saieth Joseph Smith.
2. Obama sucks. He cares more about his re-election than working on the economy. What jobs bill?
3. I hate everything Chinese. Even those tasty egg rolls. Bunch of currency-manipulating, intellectual property-stealing cheats.

Rick Santorum
1. Why didn’t you ask me about the housing crisis? Hello. I’m still in the race.
2. Let me say, again, that I didn’t support TARP. But a certain three on this panel did. Romney, Cain, Perry *cough* Losers *cough*
3. Partisan politics? Democrats love me. Ask one of them. Not that one.


The CNN GOP Debate: Vegas, Baby!

The best prize fights are held in Vegas. I caught the Hopkins-Mosley fight at Mandalay Bay a few years back. Anyway, the GOP Debate at the Venetian tonight resembled one, but there were a lot of low blows and Anderson Cooper wasn’t the best referee. My “favorite” GOP candidate, Jon Huntsman, decided to boycott the debate and held a town hall in New Hampshire instead. I also found myself agreeing with Ron Paul a lot tonight. :shock: Because of all that, my head’s spinning again. I’m going to wrap a hot towel around it and lie down, so please enjoy the highlights:

Michele Bachmann
1. Obama’s aunt and uncle are illegals! Which is why I will build a double fence and drown anchor babies.
2. Hang on, mommies. I will save your homes by turning the economy around. It will be too late by then, though, so start feathering other nests now.
3. Ahmadinejad, your ass is mine. I got your back, King Abdullah.

Herman Cain
1. All y’all on this stage don’t understand crap about 9-9-9 because oranges aren’t apples.
2. I’m not going to apologize for wanting an electrified border fence. The one who promises to zap the most illegals wins.
3. Sure, I’d trade some al Qaeda prisoners for an American hostage. Wait. No one else likes that idea? Then I will never negotiate with terrorists.

Newt Gingrich
1. Individual mandates? It wasn’t my plan. It was The Heritage Foundation’s. Well, yeah, and mine too. Back off. I was saving this country from Hillarycare.
2. Mormons? It’s the Atheists that suck. I don’t trust a President who doesn’t pray to their Creator Who endowed us with our rights. Because we’re a Christian nation. But then we get back to that whole Mormon vs. Christian thing. Forget it. Have I mentioned Obama sucks?
3. I hate you, Anderson Cooper, and the rest of the media sponsoring these debates. We should duke it out without a moderator. Get your tickets at newt.org.

Ron Paul
1. I wouldn’t even keep the pre-existing condition clause in Obamacare. Anyone with chronic illnesses has my best wishes.
2. Don’t blame the protesters, Cain! They were the victims of the Federal Reserve. Wall Street got bailed out. The middle class got sold out. Why does that sound familiar? Bottom line. The government sucks.
3. Foreign aid. Gone. Yes. Even Israel. I think Michele’s head just exploded.

Rick Perry
1. Governor Goodhair is back in the game! I’ll interrupt Romney constantly. That irritates the crap out of him, and he gets rattled.
2. The only 9% I am concerned with is the 9% unemployment rate. That was good, huh? Oh, I forgot. Go OIL.
3. Romney is the real magnet when it comes to illegal aliens. Because of his guy with the leaf blower. Hypocrite.

Mitt Romney
1. If you shut your pie hole, Santorum, I can tell you and everyone else again that Obamacare was not based on my plan.
2. Poor Perry has had a rough couple of debates, which is why he’s pissy tonight. Calling me a failure and an illegal alien lover is better known as projection.
3. Let all homes foreclose and watch the economy grow. Or something like that.

Rick Santorum
1. You wrecked MA with Romneycare, which was the model for Obamacare. You’re all about socialized medicine.
2. Perry wrote a letter begging Congress to pass TARP. I saw it, liar! And you people call Romney a flip flopper?
3. I can beat Obama. I’m 3 and 0 when it comes to beating Democrats. I got the swinger vote too.


The Bloomberg GOP Debate: Show Me the Money!

For those who have lives and didn’t take the Devil’s bait at bloomberg.com, here are the highlights:

Michele Bachmann
1. It wasn’t Wall Street. The Federal Government tanked this economy.
2. Invert 9-9-9, and you’ll see that pizza man is the Antichrist.
3. Go to michelebachmann.com to see my solutions and get your free pocket size copy of the Constitution.

Herman Cain
1. Keep talking about my 9-9-9. It’s starting to stick!
2. I wasn’t talking about the 14 million. Those dirty, hippie protesters have themselves to blame for their unemployment.
3. “I was po before I was poor” so I can relate. But my policies will screw you. Thank God I’m not you anymore.

Newt Gingrich
1. Don’t go after business people, tar and feather Bernanke.
2. Obama’s weekly press conferences are depressing apologies.
3. I know I’m not going to get this nomination. So screw it all. Palin was right. Obamacare means death panels.

Jon Huntsman
1. ” 9-9-9…I thought it was the price of a pizza when I first heard it!”
2. My dad is the best! He came from nothing, and now I’m using his money to fund my campaign!
3. If we’re in a trade war with China, don’t blame me because you didn’t choose the Mormon fluent in Mandarin.

Ron Paul
1. I will kill the evil twins, Fannie and Freddy.
2. Herman called me and my people ignorant, and I can prove it. Followers, find me his quote.
3. Sarbanes-Oxley was just as bad as Dodd-Frank. Which means Republicans suck too.

Rick Perry
1. Thank God this debate is about the economy and not Mormons or vaccinating illegal aliens.
2. My plan: O-I-L. Easier than 9-9-9.
3. Back up with that Gore/Democrat thing, Michele. Don’t make me bring up you and Carter.

Mitt Romney
1. TARP sucked on so many levels, but it was necessary. Did you have to make me say that out loud?
2. Screw China and their yuan. Hell yeah, I want a trade war. Bring it.
3. Don’t interrupt me, Goodhair. I care about uninsured kids. You care about illegal aliens.

Rick Santorum
1. Manufacturing jobs will come back. If US workers are willing to be paid in Rupees.
2. R comes before S. Not only do I know my ABCs, I’m fair. Go ahead, Mittens.
3. Poverty can be blamed on one thing. The breakdown of my definition of family.


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