Tag Archives: GOP Debate

8 January 2012

GOP Debate: Saturday Night Fun in Manchester

By Spinny Liberal

After a shamefully long absence, last night provided the perfect opportunity to resurface: The ABC News/Yahoo! GOP debate in New Hampshire. Here are the highlights:

Newt Gingrich
1. Anti-Christian bigotry! It’s bigger than two chicks wanting to get hitched.
2. “Obama’s desperate attempt to create a radical European social model is sincere.” Dang the audience loves me. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
3. If I weren’t here, I’d be watching the college basketball championships. Oh oops. Football. You caught me. I’d really be holding Callista’s purse at Tiffany’s.

Jon Huntsman
1. A gay couple’s relationship doesn’t affect my marriage one bit. Stay with me, social conservatives. No to gay marriage, yes to civil unions.
2. Simpson Bowles! Eliminate the loopholes. But not all of them. I got your back, big business.
3. I just called Romney a douchebag in Mandarin.

Ron Paul
1. Nice comment on the bell, junior. Still doesn’t change the fact that you’re a big government spender and lobbyist lover.
2. Ugh those newsletters again! I didn’t write that racist crap. Since we’re on the subject, black people get the shaft in the justice system. Maybe that will get me a few of their votes.
2. Ping pong is the cornerstone of my foreign policy. Rescuing Iranians from pirates and stopping sanctions will bring world peace.

Rick Perry
1. You just witnessed a brawl between Ron and Rick. They’re what’s wrong with government. And neither have good hair.
2. My vision is O-I-L, but you knew that.
3. Back to Iraq, soldiers. It would be your 7th tour? Suck it up, son.

Mitt Romney
1. CEOs aren’t managers. If you weren’t a career politician, you’d know that managers are under me. I mean CEOs.
2. Quit badgering me on the contraception thing, Stephanopoulos. I’m this close to saying that I’m sad it didn’t work for your parents.
2. China sucks. They lie, cheat, and steal, but make really good dumplings.

Rick Santorum
1. Don’t ever question my Conservatism, old man. I can arrange a permanent tour of a coal mine.
2. I hate Iran so much. I want to choke Ahmadinejad with my own hands.
3. There is no such thing as the middle class. And the sky is green, I swear.

14 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Debate Recaps

18 December 2011

GOP Debate: The Finale on FOX

By Spinny Liberal

The end of last week was crazy, so I wasn’t able to watch the debate. Once in a blue moon, I have a life.

Anyway, I finally caught it on YouTube, cracked open a bottle of Fat Tire Amber Ale. Perfect, because this is the last one! Looking back, I’ve loved Jon Huntsman’s performances. That isn’t surprising. What was surprising was finding myself agreeing with Ron Paul. A lot. That has definitely thrown me for a loop.

I raise my bottle to the GOP. Thanks for the seemingly bottomless well of material for these recaps. ¡Salud!

Michele Bachmann
1. “No new taxes.” I used the broken promise of a one-term president to sell myself. Oops.
2. Ron Paul is underestimating Iran again. We need to kick their asses. With no money and troops who will probably end up on their 10th tour of duty.
3. The issue of abortion is crucial to our party. If you vote for this “partial birth” abortion-promoting former Speaker of the House, Jesus will stop loving you.

Newt Gingrich
1. I believe I’m so electable I dare compare myself to St. Reagan.
2. I hate activist judges. I actually hate that entire branch of government. Let’s get rid of it.
3. Why is Michele talking about my abortion record? Why is she even here? I’m the one in the middle people. The one in the lead.

Jon Huntsman
1. I’m not going to pander, sign any “silly” pledges, or attend a Donald Trump debate.
2. Natural gas people. Time to drop our “heroin” like addiction to oil. I’m going to back off because I’m starting to sound a little too Liberal.
3. Of course we have to protect the border. But legal immigration is an engine of growth. See? “Te quiero, Latinos.” Oh yeah and “Wo ai ni, China.”

Ron Paul
1. Welfare people vs. warfare people. Get one side’s support to crush the other, and voilà! Progress.
2. I am a non-interventionist, leaning isolationist. You can give me all the hypothetical situations in the universe. And I don’t care if it is Iran. We don’t need another war!
3. Newt and Michele want to hack away at the third branch of government? Um, balance of power? And I’m the crazy one?

Rick Perry
1. The taxpayers bailing out a loan guarantee program when I was Texas Agriculture Commissioner? I don’t want to talk about it, so I’ll push my part time Congress idea. The audience loves that. Rick Perry Rules!
2. I’ve already planned my no-fly zone over Syria They’re killing their own people are in cahoots with Iran. Don’t mess with Texas or Israel.
3. Thanks for letting me play at a “high enough level” with you guys. You all are so smart. Self-deprecating humor + good hair = Charming the pants off of people.

Mitt Romney
1. There are Democrats who love America. Swear to God they exist.
2. We need a strong military. Add Navy ships, modernize the air force, and 100K more troops. Even though I’m all about cutting spending.
3. Life experience causes some of my positions to change. I do enjoy flip-flops during the campaign, I mean summer, season.

Rick Santorum
1. 99 counties, 350 Townhall meetings. I want your votes so bad, I’ll stalk your entire state.
2. I am more trigger happy than Bush ever was. Iran has been in my cross-hairs for forever. On day one, I will fire.
3. Hell yeah I broke Reagan’s 11th Commandment (Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican). Suck it up, babies. There’s no crying in vetting!

19 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Debate Recaps

12 December 2011

The ABC GOP Debate: “Newt Romney”

By Spinny Liberal

I actually enjoyed this one, even though Huntsman wasn’t there. In their closing statements, each had to say something cool about one of the other candidates. Even though some of their answers were a bit odd – like Newt saying he loves how Santorum has consistently hated Iran – it was a good way to end the evening. Nice one, Diane and George! For those who didn’t watch, here are the highlights. Enjoy! :-)

Michele Bachmann
1. Adiós 9-9-9! Meet Michele’s Win-Win-Win Plan.
2. Newt Romney. Newt Romney. Newt Romney. I was told if I said that it three times, they’d go away. Dangit. Didn’t work.
3. Mom was a single parent. I had to work to help the family. I still clip coupons and shop at thrift stores. I didn’t have Rick Santorum’s two-parent household luxury.

Newt Gingrich
1. Mittens, you would have been a 17 year politician if you didn’t lose to Teddy Kennedy. You had no other choice but to be in the private sector.
2. Let’s fire all union school janitors and replace them with kids. Teach them how to work! Lazy, Nickelodeon-watching mooches.
3. I didn’t speak for Israel. I spoke as a historian, someone who has known “Bibi” for years, and someone who speaks the truth. Just like St. Reagan.

Ron Paul
1. Extend the payroll tax cut, but pay for it. Easy peasy. End the wars.
2. If we every elected leader took their oath of office seriously, there would be no government. Or something really cool like that.
3. Let’s not let give the government the power to save us from ourselves. We should be free to be as fat and unhealthy as we want to be.

Rick Perry
1. You need an outsider to help create jobs. That’s me! The guy who’s been in politics for 27 years.
2. I can tell Obama that Obamacare is an Abomination. Ooooh that sounded great! Throwing in that I read studies like the Beacon Hill Institute’s makes me look really, really smart too. I am so rocking this.
3. We should catch and release smallmouth bass, but not illegal immigrants.

Mitt Romney
1. Obama’s idea of being hands-on on the economy is his golf grip. Good one, speech writer!
2. Mining minerals from the moon? Eliminate child labor laws? America, that’s Gingrich. That’s who you Iowans think can beat Obama, people? Seriously?
3. I never had to struggle financially. Dad had bank, but he grew up poor. And I hung out with poor people in other countries as an LDS missionary. I think that means I can relate to them. Doesn’t it?

Rick Santorum
1. I’m all for tax cuts. Except for the working schmucks who could use it.
2. Michele is a fighting loser. I’m a fighting winner.
3. I’ve had all my basic needs met. But most importantly, I came from a two-parent household. Stay together to give your kids the luxury of a mom and a dad. Even if he beats you, or you cheat on him.

15 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Debate Recaps

13 November 2011

The CBS GOP Debate: Because Millions will Tune in on a Saturday Night

By Spinny Liberal

Um, yeah. Whose genius idea was this? Many of us were watching the Pacquiao-Marquez fight. CBS expected so many to tune in that many of their affiliates cut coverage of the last 30 minutes. I guess we know how important foreign policy is to the networks. If that isn’t disturbing enough, this is the second debate where I found myself agreeing with Ron Paul. Way more than is healthy. Anyway, enjoy! :-)

Michele Bachmann
1. Obama is not a friend to Israel. Bachmann and Israel are and will forever be BFFs. Manischewitz for everyone!
2. Waterboarding is the best. Maybe I could try doing it to someone.
3. Even though we’re talking about foreign policy, I’ll sneak in Obamacare. Then I can say how I will repeal it. Again.

Herman Cain
1. Having good people from my cabinet to generals will help me make critical decisions. Which means no Muslims.
2. Torture schmorture. Waterboarding is cool!
3. I love torture so much, Gitmo should stay open. Hey, maybe I can get live feed.

Newt Gingrich
1. Any one of these ideas on dealing with Iran is better than whatever the hell Obama is doing now.
2. I’m with Goodhair. Foreign aid starts at zero. If you want it, tell us how you will use it to help us.
2. If we don’t overhaul everything from rules of engagement to intelligence, we’re all going to die. And Pakistan will pull the trigger.

Jon Huntsman
1. Nation building. How about we concentrate on ours?
2. I am so lonely. Oh thanks for asking me something! Waterboarding is torture. Torture is wrong.
3. The Ryan Plan is the best! See? If you give me a chance, I can show you I can scare Liberals too.

Ron Paul
1. It’s not worth going to war with Iran. This is smelling a lot like Iraq.
2. Waterboarding is torture. And torture is ineffective and un-American.
3. Self-determination. Stay the hell out of their business and attend to ours.

Rick Perry
1. I don’t know why Pakistan is being two-faced, so I’ll just say what everyone loves. NO foreign aid! Even Israel. Well, almost everyone. Sorry Michele.
2. My advisors were right! Make fun of myself and my Department of Energy boo boo, and the audience will love me!
3. Everything Chinese will end up in an ash heap. Except shrimp fried rice because that would be a shame.

Mitt Romney
1. Why not go to war to keep Iran from having a nuclear weapon? I mean we’re in two already. What’s one more?
2. We’re allowing those Chinese run over us. I will stand up to them. What do you mean remember what happened in Tiannamen Square?
3. I will get rid of the National Endowment of Arts and NPR because you know they eat as much of the budget as defense.

Rick Santorum
1. We have to be friends with Pakistan because they have nuclear weapons.
2. We should stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons at any cost. Yes, even going to war. Not like we haven’t done it before.
3. I will make sure Gitmo will stay open forever. Torture works!

7 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Debate Recaps

13 September 2011

The GOP Debate: Tea Party Style

By Spinny Liberal

Let’s get the recurrent theme of all GOP debates – past, present, and future – out of the way. Obama sucks on every real and imaginary level.

The Tea Party made it for a more interesting debate tonight. The gloves came off, and Perry was the punching bag. The highlights:

Michele Bachmann

1. I’m your candidate, people. Not that forcibly vaccinating, illegal alien lover.
2. 2012 is it. If we don’t win the White House, America will cease to exist.
3. I’m bringing the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Bill of Rights to the White House. That’s it. Dangit, I forgot to say the Bible.

Herman Cain

1. 9-9-9 people. It’s unrealistic, but it’s catchy.
2. I’m telling ya, Chile is where it’s at! It’s privatizing social security? Oh no. It’s giving people a “choice.”
3. I’m bringing a sense of humor to the White House. If I can get them to laugh, maybe they won’t notice that I’m screwing them.

Newt Gingrich

1. Fight amongst yourselves, but I created more jobs than all three of you. I have the biggest jimmy.
2. I don’t hate the media today. Just today though.
3. I’m bringing music for Callista and ballet and chess for the grandkids. Oh and Tiffany’s Spring Collection.

John Huntsman

1. We can secure the border with a fence, and we can use Perry’s Mexicans to build it.
2. Utah is hands down the best state in the union. Especially when I was governor.
3. I’m bringing my hog to the White House. I got the Moderate and biker vote now, bitches.

Ron Paul

1. Medicare will be fine. After we get rid of the Department of Education, Energy and all the rest of them.
2. Terrorists don’t hate us for our freedom. It’s the world wide occupation and killing them. Hey, I’m just the messenger, people.
3. I’m bringing a bushel basket full of common sense. If you didn’t think I was that old, I just used the term “bushel basket” to remind you.

Rick Perry

1. I am offended that you think I’m a $5K hooker. $1M is the starting rate.
2. Obamacare was modeled after your plan. The little runt T-Paw was on to something with “Obamneycare.”
3. I’m bringing the prettiest, sweetest first lady ever. I’m getting laid tonight!

Mitt Romney

1. I read your book cover to cover, Goodhair. Game on.
2. You couldn’t beat me at Texas Hold ‘em with 4 Aces and being Texan.
3. I’m bringing a bust of Winston Churchill. Is that creepy?

Rick Santorum

1. I don’t care about the “illegal, um Latino vote.”
2. He forced girls to get vaccinated! No, I don’t know what opt-out means.
3. I’m bringing a lot of beds since I have a bushel basket of children.

11 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Debate Recaps

8 September 2011

The GOP Debate at The Church of Reagan

By Spinny Liberal

Actually, it was the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, CA. They did slice and dice Rick Perry as an offering to him though. In case you missed it, here are the highlights:

Michele Bachmann

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. You don’t have to ask Huntsman. I don’t have a “Gas is now under $2 a gallon” spell.
3. Why is the entire nation falling apart? Obamacare.

Herman Cain

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. Let’s privatize Social Security. ¡Viva Chile!
3. My 9-9-9 Economic Growth Plan is like Domino’s 5-5-5 Pizza Deal, but way better.

Newt Gingrich

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. You in the media are trying to get us to hate each other. We do, but we hate Obama more. And we all hate you.
3. Obamacare? My hate goes way back to Hillarycare, noobs.

John Huntsman

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. I believe in evolution and anthropogenic climate change. I have no chance in hell.
3. I also believe that pledges suck, and illegal aliens are human. Just in case you didn’t believe I have no chance in hell.

Ron Paul

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. Dude, I’m a doctor. Ask me why I hate healthcare.
3. No more FDA, TSA, FEMA, National School Lunch Program, and National Highway Traffic Safety Administration when I’m President. Hell, I might fire myself.

Rick Perry

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. Why is everyone beating up on me? Oh yeah because I’m the “piñata here at the party.”
3. Innocent people could have been executed in TX? Not a chance.

Mitt Romney

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. “Hey Perry! Dukakis did better than me at creating jobs? Bush did better than you. Which sounds worse?”
3. I have private sector experience, and my smile is just as beautiful as his hair.

Rick Santorum

1. Obama isn’t getting Americans working. I will.
2. I’m not constipated. I’m just really pissed at my poll numbers.
3. Reagan would be ashamed of all you isolationists. May we always occupy liberate!

Overall, it was entertaining. Romney and Perry exchanging jabs (pretty vs. pretty) spiced it up some. Like always, “Obama sucks” was the constant.

20 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Debate Recaps

12 August 2011

The Bitchy GOP Debate in the Hawkeye State

By Spinny Liberal

Was it the summer heat? Or did they actually try the deep fried sticks of butter? Whatever the cause, it was a bitch fest tonight. For those who had better things to do on Friday Eve, here are the highlights:

Michele Bachmann

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. Sarah Palin and I are BFFs. Excuse me while I wander off. I’ll be back, though.
  3. I’m in love with my gay husband, and he told me that submission means respect.

Herman Cain

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. I never said that. But for future reference, when I say Sharia Law sucks, I mean Muslims suck.
  3. Romney’s Mormonism? Face it. The underwear thing is creepy.

Newt Gingrich

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. Screw you and the rest of the press for your “gotcha questions” and “Mickey Mouse games.” I hate you!
  3. This supercommittee is the dumbest idea since my Contract with America.

John Huntsman

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. I stand on my record…that makes me look like a Democrat.
  3. Why isn’t anyone clapping for me?

Ron Paul

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. “Let my people (of Iran) go.”
  3. We have to mind our own business and work on the real problem. The government.

Tim Pawlenty

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. I’m not boring. And I’ll beat up Michele to prove it.
  3. Obamneycare.  I give up. I made it up because I thought it sounded clever, OK?

Mitt Romney

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. Ugh Romneycare again? That’s not the only thing I’ve ever done, people.
  3. Fight amongst yourselves, Michele and Tim. I’m tired from the real debate earlier today. Evil Liberal hecklers.

Rick Santorum

  1. Obama is no leader.
  2. When do I get to talk, Michele and T-Paw? No fair, camera hogs!!
  3. States Rights, States Rights. I am so done with the 10th Amendment.

At least it was entertaining. If everyone took their Midol, it would have been New Hampshire 2.0.

22 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Conservatives

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