Yes, you saw right. There is a new guy. Gary Johnson, Governor of New Mexico. The highlights:
Michele Bachmann
1. Every dollar you earn is yours. But you can’t drive on highways or call 911.
2. I never said the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation. That’s retar- never mind.
3. My 5 biological and 23 foster children told me to abolish the Department of Education
Herman Cain
1. If I had cancer under Obamacare, my procedures would have to be on their time table. Just as if I had a crappy HMO plan now.
2. 9-9-9. People know it. People love it. Told ya it was catchy!
3. Mess with Israel? Don’t make me break out my can of Whoop Ass.
Newt Gingrich
1. When I’m President, the unemployed are screwed.
2. I’m calling it. Pakistan will be the death of us.
3. 21st Century Contract with America. It’s back, but bolder than ever, baby!
John Huntsman
1. I’m not the new guy anymore. Thanks Gary!
2. We want out of the wars. Get with the program, Santorum.
3. Subsidize? I know what I said. We can do it. But only for 5 minutes. Then we’re out.
Gary Johnson
1. There’s a new Libertarian in town.
2. My neighbor’s dog made more shovel ready jobs than Obama. Thank you for laughing.
3. Ron Paul, OG? Will you be my imaginary VP?
Ron Paul
1. You have to understand bubbles to fix the economy.
2. States rights! Federal government? Since you asked, get rid of it.
3. National ID card? Database? Over my dead Libertarian body.
Rick Perry
1. Look at Mitt’s flip flops! Split personality, Mormon freak.
2. Back off my Dream Act. I need the Mexican vote.
3. My VP would be a black Newt Gingrich or a white Herman Cain. Or something like that.
Mitt Romney
1. Nice try, Perry. I have an answer for whatever you throw at me. I’ve been practicing.
2. What’s considered rich? You’re looking at him.
3. Patriotism will solve all our economic problems. Free flag pins for everyone.
Rick Santorum
1. I will reinstate Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Stick ‘em back in the closet where they belong. Except for the ones that are out now. Because that wouldn’t be fair.
2. Is your immigration plan working in Texas, Perry? Is it? Is it? You’re my piñata, now!
3. I will keep us in Iraq and Afghanistan forever. I mean until we win.
